Why Men Need Elders

There is something compelling about an older man who still enjoys his life.

He has work behind him. People he has loved. Decisions he would make differently. And he still gets interested when you tell him what you are building. He asks about your kids and remembers their names. He can laugh at himself.

You spend an hour with him and leave thinking: I would like to grow old that way.

That is a good place to begin looking for an elder.

The work of Robert Bly, C. G. Jung, and Richard Rohr helped shape Unrationed. Each offers a way to think about maturity beyond a better title, a bigger company, or another milestone. Read together, they raise a question worth carrying into adulthood: who can help me become the man I hope to be?

Why do men need elders if they already have mentors?

An elder brings lived perspective to the person you are becoming. A mentor may offer that too; the roles often overlap. The useful question is how much of your life the relationship can hold.

You might call a mentor about hiring your first executive. With an elder, you can also talk about why handing over responsibility feels so threatening, or why your family gets so little of the patience you bring to your team.

In his conversation with Bill Moyers, Robert Bly describes an older guide as someone “interested in the soul of the young man.”

That word, soul, can sound remote until you put it beside an ordinary week. Your attention. Your capacity to enjoy things. The promises you keep. The person who walks through the door when work is over.

An elder cares about that man. His interest continues when there is nothing impressive to report.

What makes an older man someone worth learning from?

Look at how he lives among people who know him well.

Does he listen long enough to be surprised? Can he admit that he handled something badly? Does he stay curious about people whose lives differ from his? Can you disagree with him and remain welcome at his table?

Age gives a man experiences. Wisdom involves what he has made of them.

Richard Rohr puts a condition on growth that applies to the older man as much as the younger one: “Without vulnerability, there’s no change.” In the conversation surrounding that line, he describes a younger man asking an older man to speak honestly about what still hurts.

That gives you something useful to notice. Can this man tell a story in which he needed help? Has he repaired something he damaged? Does he speak about the people in his life with affection?

His example might include a long marriage. It might include a divorce he can discuss without making himself the hero. Look for responsibility, warmth, and a willingness to keep learning.

I’m ambitious. Will having an elder make me less driven?

An elder can help you give your ambition a longer horizon.

At thirty-five, the next promotion or acquisition can occupy the whole view. An older man may remember what the year after his own big milestone felt like. He can tell you what it made possible, what it cost, and which parts of his life kept asking for attention.

C. G. Jung wrote, “One cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning.” Richard Rohr uses that line to open the first chapter of Falling Upward.

The question changes as a life develops. Building a place in the world takes effort. Learning what deserves your effort takes attention too.

You may keep building the company. You may become more selective about what it is for. You may discover that the dinner you keep postponing deserves a firm place on the calendar.

An elder cannot choose those priorities for you. He can help you see beyond the next finish line while there is still time to make choices.

How do I find an elder without making it awkward?

Start with a man whose way of living you respect.

He could be a former colleague, an uncle, a neighbor, or someone you have come to know through a community. Pay attention to men you have seen across several situations. Character becomes easier to read over time.

Then ask for something small and specific:

“I’ve appreciated how you handle people. I’m thinking about the kind of father and leader I want to become. Would you have breakfast with me sometime?”

You can leave the word elder out of the invitation. A relationship can begin with coffee.

Bring a question you care about. What changed his understanding of success? What helped him stay close to his children as they grew? Which friendship has lasted, and what has it required?

Listen. Tell him enough about your own life that he has something to respond to. If the conversation matters to you, say so and suggest another.

Regular contact gives the relationship room to deepen. So does ordinary time together: a walk, a meal, helping with a project. You learn things about a man while working beside him that an hour of advice may never reveal.

What if I’m used to being the man everyone comes to?

You can be capable and still be learning.

It may feel unfamiliar to arrive at a conversation without a solution. You might catch yourself giving the polished version of a difficult week. Try being specific instead.

“I told my son I would be there, and I let work take the evening again.”

“I’ve reached the number I was chasing. I’m trying to understand what I want now.”

A trusted older man can stay with those sentences. Over time, he can notice your patterns, remember what you said mattered, and ask how it went.

Keep your judgment in the relationship. A good elder makes room for your decisions and for other people you trust. You should become more able to participate in your own life as the relationship grows.

What does this have to do with Unrationed?

Part of the reason for gathering men is to make room for relationships like these.

Shared time creates openings: a conversation over a meal, a question on a trail, an older man taking an interest that continues after the gathering ends. We want Unrationed to make those encounters possible and encourage men to keep them going.

There is a responsibility here for older men too. You can take an interest before someone knows how to ask. Invite him along. Ask a second question. Tell him what you appreciate about how he is growing.

For the younger man, the next step is just as concrete. Think of one older man whose life makes you curious. Send the invitation.

The first conversation may be an hour over breakfast. In time, you may have someone who remembers who you were five years ago, sees who you are becoming, and is glad to walk with you.

Sources and further reading

Robert Bly, “A Gathering of Men,” interview with Bill Moyers: https://billmoyers.com/content/gathering-men-robert-bly/

Richard Rohr, “Everything Belongs: The Hero and Heroine’s Journey,” transcript, page 5: https://cac.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/EB_S1_E2_KirstenOates_PatrickBoland_Transcript.pdf

C. G. Jung, The Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche, quoted in the opening epigraph of Richard Rohr’s Falling Upward; wording checked in the publisher excerpt: https://catalogimages.wiley.com/images/db/pdf/9780470907757.excerpt.pdf